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Husband and wife conflict

Q:

ASA.i am married for 3 years and we have a daughter.i don’t like my husband staring at other girls when I confronted him so many times he said its not like that and i just want to focus on(making money and buy a house) he loves me and takes care of me no doubt. But before he used to give me so much attention and now he doesn’t and he get irritated of me. I live with my in laws and i wait for him the whole day. So when he comes i like to be around him and want to spend time with him but he get irritated and say you’re always on head. He also doesn’t even ask for sex(he is diabetic)I always ask for it. 2-3 times i caught him watching adult movie and i got mad. Because i give my 100% to keep him satisfied, i also dress up for him. I feel so hurt as my parents passed away. I only have one sister her with her family. For me,my husband and daughter are everything. I feel so sad when he says i need space and you’re always around me. I want him to give me attention and time. He likes to be in his phone all the time thats why we fight alot. I don’t know what to do. He is a nice person but when he stares at other girls or watch dirty stuff I don’t like it.. he always promises me that he won’t do anything wrong but it makes me uncomfortable. Few days ago, he also asked me(as a joke) if he can have another marriage). I got so mad as he knows thats my weakness and i get so mad when he talks about 2nd marriage or anything or 4 marriages. Please help. Tell me a dua or something what i should do about this situation. I am worried. He has given me so much love and attention and I can’t live without him. Please help

A:

Aslaikum salam.

Your husbund being irritated with you may very well reflect what’s going on with him, not you. Unfortunately, many spouses dump their stress and unhappiness onto each other.

Practice apologizing, stay calm, and remind yourself why you are in the relationship and that you are in control of how you express your emotions.

Try being a good mother for his child.
If he prefers it that you shouldn’t always be around him, give him the space he prefers after doing the neccesary that should be done by a wife when welcoming her husband at home, example saying salam with a smile, asking him if he wishes to have something to eat and drink etc.  If he likes playing with your daughter, take her near him and let her talk to her father and spend some time with him.

You can make yourself busy and watch or hear good things in your computer or tv and set an example for him eg Quran or duas, good lectures or majlises, some good programmes or movies of the prophets or even something which has a moral without any bad scenes.
Keep yourself busy and at the same time, attend to him enthusiastically so that there is no tension created between you and him.

If he is in a good mood, you could voice your thoughts briefly and tell him calmly of how you feel about the wrong that he does and what consequences he will have to bear specially with his children. If his own daughter got the bad effect of her fathers doing, wouldn’t it shatter him even in the thought? You have to be clever enough to choose the right moments and be very brief and polite and never provoke him. If you keep on trying, it will certainly work out inshAllah.

If he jokes or teases you in any way that you dont like, try being silent and vacate the place for a while so that you can cool down. Drink water if you have to, do wuzu and ask Allah for patience.
Remember to please him through your actions ie by preparing what he likes to have for his meals, or clearing the mess around him,  ironing his clothes, giving him his privacy when he is speaking over the phone etc.
Soon he will realize the change in you and will respect you for that. He being a good man as you say, would feel guilty of his behaviour towards you and will appreciate your love and care towards him inshAllah.
Make alot of dua for him in the Qunoot ( in the second rakah of your prayer where you raise your hands for dua) of your salat, eg the best dua that the Holy Prophet s.a.w. used to always recite in the qunoot of his salat was the Quranic ayah of Sura Furqan
Ayat no.74 that says,

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا
And those who say, ‘Our Lord! Give us joy and comfort in our spouses and offspring, and make us imams of the Godwary.’

If you start following this and give it some time, it would inshAllah reap the best results for you future married life.

Regards

Salma Aalvi